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So the whole month of January my church has been teaching a series about having a breakthrough.  Now the month of January has been crazy for me for various reasons and honestly this was the first week I’ve been able to make it (last Sunday I 100% woke up thinking it was Saturday so there’s that).  Today I was finally able to make it and I had volunteered to work with preschoolers. As I was sitting during the volunteer experience Pastor John started talking about the story of Jesus being sent into the wilderness and how for 40 days satan was tempting him there.

As I’m sitting there I’m seriously pondering the whole “in the wilderness battling temptation” thing (despite hearing this story a hundred times) while trying to still listen to the sermon.  As the volunteer experience wraps up I am still pondering this message as I’m trying to get ready for the preschoolers. Fast forward and much to our surprise ZERO preschoolers show up (what) so off to service I go.  As I am hearing the scriptures for the second time that morning I am really starting to feel God speak to me as I honestly try to ignore it as he has been teaching me some hard lessons lately and I wasn’t sure I wanted yet another hard lesson as I’m sitting in church.

Pastor John went into depth about what happened as Jesus was in the wilderness those 40 days.  How Jesus tried to fight of Satan with scripture and Satan fought back with scripture and twisting those scriptures to work in his favor but finally Satan had to flee.  As I had mentioned in my 2020 Vision(s) post, I’ve been going through a hard season. In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve been in my own version of a wilderness. Instead of being tempted to test God and turn stones into bread my temptations looked much different.  My temptations looked more like fighting feeling like a failure, feeling inadequate, thinking I make no difference or impact in this world, fighting the urge to be angry at God for allowing certain things to happen recently, fighting the temptation to push everyone away and even to the point of feeling like I don’t deserve to have Denny.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve almost given into those thoughts and feelings.  Satan knew he could “tempt” Jesus by throwing his scripture at him, just like he knew what thoughts to tempt me with in hopes of me throwing in the towel and “accepting my fate”.  The sermon today was just the reminder I needed from God. We all face temptations and our own version of being in the wilderness, but God always has our best interests at heart.  I wouldn’t say I am fully out of my wilderness yet, but I do believe that God is clearing the trail. I’ve learned so much about trusting God, the emotions that come with it and just how quickly Satan can tempt us without us ever realizing it.  So despite me being more than ready for my “40 days” to be over, I am so thankful for the ways I’ve learned to trust God and battle the temptations thrown my way.

I’m sure other people are also feeling like they are in their own version of a wilderness and I am here to say please do not let the enemy tempt you into the point of giving in.  The story in Matthew proves that despite satan being powerful, God is in the ultimate control. Don’t give up during your hard season because God is taking care of you, and if you say no to the temptations around you his blessings will greater than we could ever imagine.

2019 is coming to a close which means not only are we approaching a new year, we’re approaching a new decade.  10 years is a long time but it seems these last 10 years have flown by. In the last 10 years I’ve lived in 3 states, got promoted to aunt, graduated college with 2 degrees, lost friends, gained friends,grieved the death of family, celebrated several national championship wins and gained the best dog a girl could ever ask for.  Among many other things I have also grown, learned to stand up for myself, found confidence and stopped letting others define my worth and abilities, I also learned that a little sass can go a long way (but I still choose to throw around a lot of it). I am so grateful for the things I have learned and the things God has shown me over these last 10 years.  I’ve accomplished things I never thought possible, I discovered I am much smarter than I ever gave myself credit for, and I learned not to settle for second best.

However, when solely looking at 2019 it is much harder for me to feel those things.  To say it has been a hard year would be an understatement. When I look at 2019 I feel the word that best sums it up is “loss”.  Loss of job, loss of financial stability, loss of best friends, loss of family relationships and a little bit of a loss of who I am.  When all of those things pile up on you, everything begins to be questioned and anxiety becomes a very real and constant thing. I’ve had many days of asking God why it feels like he has abandoned me and getting what feels like silence in return.  Although I know ultimately God has a plan for me and for my life, this year has me questioning why.

Social media is so wonderful and a great tool for so many reasons.  Especially for someone like me who has lived so many places I love feeling like I am still apart of my friends lives.  The downside of social media (like many of us know) is that we only see the highlights of others lives and often find ourselves comparing and trying to keep up with one another.  Trust me when I say I am SO guilty of doing this. With that being said, I’ve noticed a lot of my friends talking about everything they’ve accomplished this decade and specifically this year.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE that for them and I am the first one to cheer on my friends accomplishments. However, for those in the same boat as me it can have us feeling like we are failing or not measuring up to where we should be in life.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not one to say we shouldn’t post our accomplishments and achievements because it might trigger someone, what I am saying is, it’s okay if you aren’t in that same place.

For those like me, we may still be struggling with the direction God is trying to put us in, we may not be feeling as hopeful for the new year but instead praying and begging that something will give.  We may not have a long list of accomplishments on paper, but instead thankful we have survived thus far for what could only be classified as a difficult year. At the end of 2018 I kept saying 2019 would be my year, things were “finally” going to turn around and I had no idea the difficulties the year would bring.  If you see your friends posting about how their lives have fallen into place this year CHEER THEM ON! But also do not let it discourage you because your life is still messy going into 2020.

It’s okay to not feel like 2020 automatically means the hard season will be over, it’s okay to know your life is still sticky starting a new year and  a new decade and it is okay to cheer on your friends. Start the year with some small goals and once you achieve them move on to bigger goals (great advice spoken from one of my dear friends).  I wrote down 10 goals all varying in “difficulty” and it put me a little over the edge, so smart small. Focus on those things and find the things you have achieved this year. Some of my (seemingly small) achievements for 2019 include growing my knowledge at Vineyard Vines, exploring the world of blogging, SEEING TIM TEBOW IN THE FLESH and going to my family the moment things got rough (instead of hide it for several months).  One of my goals for 2020 is to keep a thankfulness journal. One of my best friends suggested it as a way to always be reminded of the good of each day and I think it’s the perfect way to start off the new year.

All of this is to say that if you are feeling less than “brand new and accomplished” as this decade comes to a close, you are not alone.  Don’t lose sight of the new opportunities the new year could bring, but don’t be hard on yourself if you are feeling less than accomplished.  Every day you wake up is a day to make a difference, a day to find something to thank God for and a day to keep pushing forward until you start to see and feel your life fall into place.  Set those goals, reach those goals and be proud of yourself for the accomplishments you’ve made this year, no matter how small they may seem.

Tonight I took my first dance class in over a year. As an adult who wants to stay connected to dance but not pursue it professionally it is almost impossible to find a place to continue to grow. Recently a studio opened in downtown Indianapolis called Dance Works Indy. They are a studio specializing in offering various styles of dance to adults from beginner to advanced. I absolutely love this mindset because it not only allows people to try out dance classes and discover a new hobby, it allows people like me to continue to grow in their art form. Tonight we had a sub in the musical theater class and Miss. Carol was teaching Fosse so I KNEW this was my time to take the drive to downtown Indy and try out Dance Works Indy. The space is so nice and easily accessible right off of Ohio st, and bonus…FREE PARKING! That is like spotting a unicorn in downtown Indy. The staff were super friendly and welcoming. When walking in I noticed a bowl of yellow bracelets with a sign that stated if you didn’t want to be recorded to wear one in class. This is so amazing so people who are new to dance won’t end up on their instagram stories and it will make them feel more comfortable about joining in on class.

The class itself was SO much fun (no shocker there). I have always loved Bob Fosse and I remember trying to watch Chicago at a young age and my mom making me turn it off because I was too young and it was too provocative, but I counted down the days when I could watch it all the way through. I did some Fosse choreography in middle school to “steam heat” and dressed up as Roxie Hart with my college roommate as Velma by my side. I even wrote a research paper on Fosse in college because the man has always intrigued me. So when I say I love Fosse and his weird, quirky, provocative choreography I really mean it. Miss.Carol told us about her audition with Fosse and some things her fellow dancers learned while working under him. I forgot how hard Fosse choreography is, especially no longer being a conditioned dancer. I am so excited to learn more of the choreography and dig in deeper to find my inner Fosse. All dance levels were represented and I applaud the beginner dancers who probably didn’t know what they were getting themselves into but stuck it out and rocked it. I also applaud my former conditioned dancer self because being out of shape I realized how much Fosse demands of your leg muscles and your core. The choreography we learned tonight was the perfect mix of articulated snaps, sassy looks/poses and classic Fosse hinges.

I look forward to the next time I can pop into a class and I’m looking forward to when I can try the intermediate/advanced jazz. Right now they are running a special that if it is your first time taking a class with them you get unlimited classes for a week for free! So hurry up and go try yourself a dance class, even if you’ve never taken one before! They offer also fitness classes like SWERK and yoga if that is more your pace. I would also be happy to answer any questions you may have. Check out their website here http://www.danceworksindy.com

Now for the personal stuff, which is a little harder for me to share. For a while I have felt pretty lost, I’ve been going through some hard seasons of life (filled with a lot of anxiety) and I feel like the harder the seasons get the more I continue to lose pieces of myself along the way. Not big pieces, and not completely losing myself but definitely losing small pieces. Dance has been apart of my life from the age of 6 until I graduated college. That relationship with dance hasn’t always been a healthy one and I think my fellow dancers can agree with this to some extent. I spent many years in front of a mirror critiquing everything from my technique, to poses, even to making sure my ballet bun was perfect with no bobby pins or fly aways showing. I grew up constantly trying to achieve something that is not achievable…perfection. Between the self esteem issues, the unhealthy eating habits, the constant comparisons and the feelings of never being good enough, dance also provided so much positive. It taught me discipline, it taught me how to respect “authority”, it taught me what it meant to have dedication and persistence and most importantly it allowed me a way to feel and express just about every emotion on a much deeper level. However, dance creating that sense of perfectionism sometimes made it hard for me to really dive into my art form. I would find myself holding back because I felt I didn’t measure up to the other dancers, I would forget choreography or have a hard time picking it up because I would get so anxious about messing up the steps and being perfect I couldn’t clear my head long enough to really absorb what was being presented to me. That is something I had a really hard time letting go of in my dance career, even in college. I remember one time I showed up to class super sick and I was so exhausted I didn’t have the extra energy to worry about being perfect, and my modern professor kept telling me how I had finally started truly dancing. I would see glimpses of letting go and truly dancing but I hadn’t been in a place of 100% letting go and just dancing for a very long time.

But tonight, tonight was different. I found myself not worrying about my lack of perfection or getting anxiety over the what if of forgetting a step. Instead I enjoyed every moment, laughed at myself when my feet did get tangled up and did my best to give the SASSIEST isolated wrist snaps anyone has ever seen (still work to be done but a sassy snap is a powerful tool). I was in a front row that consisted of myself in a room full of strangers and just went for it. Tonight, for the first time in a long time I found a piece of myself I thought was gone forever. I reconnected with the artist I used to be, and left all the anxiety and perfectionism out the door. Let me tell you, it felt amazing. In one hour I was able to let go of more anxiety and sadness than I’ve been able to let go of over the time span of a year. I was able to relax and just breath (something I haven’t even been even been able to do in yoga) and enjoy the moment and the steps in front of me. Fosse was an interesting man, dancer and choreographer. He took the imperfections in dance and made them perfect. I’m not sure Fosse ever thought his choreography could ever help a non-professional dancer find herself again, but tonight his choreography did just that. I am still in a rough season of life, and although I never lost my optimism I am so happy with the joy that was brought back into my life today. Dance will always be apart of me, and tonight it helped me find some of the pieces of myself that I had lost.

Does anyone else hang on to birthday things way longer than any person should or is that just me? My friend sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for my birthday with a fun little balloon and I hung onto them as long as I possibly could. Once the balloon was no longer floating I decided it was time to throw it away. I wanted the flowers to last forever and as I was preparing to say my goodbyes to the beautiful arrangement I noticed the only flowers that were “dead” were the roses. So I decided to weed out the roses and hang on to the beautiful flowers that were in my opinion still thriving.

As I went to pull out the first rose the petals separated from the stem so I had to put down the flower to finish pulling out the dead stem. As I went to pick the rose back up to put in the trash I had quite the surprise. The rose itself fell apart more but instead of brittle, brown, dead petals I had in my hand bright pink petals that were still alive and thriving like the flowers I left in the vase. Curious, I began to pull apart the remaining roses to find that despite the first layer being brown and brittle all of the roses from the arrangement were still bright pink. soft and alive on the inside.

Those rose petals have been sitting on my kitchen table for almost two weeks now (stay tuned for what I am going to do with them next). The rose petals sparked a reminder for me. I couldn’t help but think how many times we have thrown people out because we judge and think they have nothing to offer. We see them for their brokenness, their depression, their lack of finances and see them for all the things that make them “dead”. We judge these people based on their appearances and terrible experiences and assume they have nothing to offer us when it comes to friendships, relationships, employees and active members in our church communities. When in reality despite the dead, ugly exterior these individuals are just like the rose petals. They are full of life on the inside, bright and full of life and color.

I guess the point of all of us this is to remind all of us to go with that old saying “never judge a book by it’s cover”. Instead may we take time to get to know people and provide an opportunity for them to shed the dead layer on the outside. May we give people the chance to show their bright, thriving soul they possess. May we take the time to see what makes these individuals beautiful and allow them to teach us things we maybe did not know before, and maybe just maybe we still stop throwing out valuable people because they don’t hold up to our judgement and ideas of what a valuable person should be.

Hello! I just wanted to write and introduce myself. My name is Taia and I am so excited to start sharing my life with all of you. I’m currently at a crossroads in my life and I really just want this blog to be something to write about my journey and where it leads next. I really am not sure what the next step is going to be but I am excited to see what God has in store. My hope is that I can share all aspects of my life including fashion, recipes, fitness and other things. I really hope you stick with me on this journey and that we can become friends and explore all life has to offer together. I am also learning about the blogging world and hope to grow more knowledge in this new chapter as well.