I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been doing some journaling but haven’t publicly written anything so I thought maybe I need to share and whoever needs to read this will see it. I turned 30 in August and I was very nervous about it leading up to it. Everyone told me 30 is a blast and I will love my 30’s. If we are being honest I have not enjoyed 30 at all, it’s been a very hard year emotionally and it’s not even over yet. I’m hopeful the rest of my 30’s will be better and maybe this first year in my 30’s is preparing me for a wonderful decade but right now I hate it.
30 has by far been the LONELIEST year I’ve lived so far. Adult friendships are hard to navigate because we are all on different schedules but if we are being honest, I don’t even feel like that’s the main issue. My friends and I are all in very different places in our lives and it shows. I genuinely feel like my time and place in all of my friendships is no longer warranted or needed. I feel incredibly alone in my life and I don’t know how to break past that. My friends are always too busy to make plans with me yet can always make plans with their couple friends, work friends etc. I feel like every friend in my life I have to pull their teeth to spend time with me and something still comes up that they bail last minute. I have always been very blessed with amazing friends but 30 has completely flipped that upside down. Between having a need to feel like I have to take care of everyone, and always tending to isolate myself when I’m not in a good place mentally I have had a very hard time accepting this reality. I’m not married nor do I have a boyfriend, I don’t have kids, I don’t have roommates so I am very much alone with my dogs. Don’t get me wrong I like living alone but this is the first time in my life I feel truly lonely.
I know for a fact if I didn’t text my friends to even attempt to hang out with them, they wouldn’t even notice that I hadn’t been around. Let me tell y’all that is a VERY hard pill to swallow. I’ve always struggled with not letting people know when I need them or need help and I will say this has just made that worse. How do you not fall into those unhealthy habits when you truly feel you only have yourself and you aren’t needed in anyone’s life? Obviously I’m counting my family out of this, I am very blessed to have a family that loves me and never misses an opportunity to tell each other we love them.
I don’t know how to move past this, or accept this stage in life, I truly don’t. I have cried more at the age of 30 than I can ever recall. I’m just praying that I have a change of heart and can be okay with this and find a way to enjoy my 30’s. I keep telling myself this won’t last forever and maybe God will place friends in my life that need my friendship as much as I need theirs. I miss feeling like I belong and I don’t know how to get that back, but maybe I’m not supposed to. Adult friendships are a million times harder but effort has to be put in on both sides to make it work.
I hope that my friends know I love them and they will always have a place in my life, even if I don’t have one in theirs. I am just really struggling with this season of life and I pray God brings some friends in my life soon because I cannot handle the loneliness much longer and I fear I will just shut everyone out to protect myself. I truly hope nobody else is feeling this way in life. However if you are, please know you aren’t alone and my heart truly hurts for yours. If you are very confident in your friend group and know where you belong do not take that for granted. Show your friends your appreciation for them and never make them feel like they aren’t important in your life.
Who knew 30 would equal loneliness? I can tell you I did not.
Taia Jo 