Earlier this week I was doing a 60 minute cardio set to a Taylor Swift playlist. For this set you are supposed to build up your pace for the first 40ish minutes and then once “All Too Well (10 minute version)” you go to a running pace. At first I thought this was a weird running song because it’s sad and slow, however I went with it because that was part of the set and I like to follow the rules.
If you’ve heard this song I am sure it affects you like it does for most people. It sends memories flooding back of a former romance that just left you permanently scarred. As I was at that 40 minute point in this cardio set (attempting) to run I started to have various visuals popping up. I started to think of “that romance” that truly took several (and I mean SEVERAL) years to be completely healed from, I also started thinking of old friendships that are no longer. As I was running it was like I could literally see several screens playing various moments in my life that left those deep scars that took so long to heal.
While more of these screen visuals were presenting themselves I found myself getting frustrated and trying to run faster by increasing my treadmill speed to break those images from my view. I truly felt like I was the subject in a music video for the song because those visuals of my life on the screens were so vivid. I became incredibly out of breath, decided to slow down and just lean into this sensation because maybe God was trying to show me something. Which, when you stop long enough to say that, the thought barely finishes before God makes his message known.
Although I truly (and finally) feel at peace with those various scenarios being replayed, I realized just how exhausting it was holding on to those hurts all those years. No matter how fast I would try to run from them in my life, just like running on the treadmill I would be stuck exhausted and running in place, getting nowhere fast. Once I learned to let go and heal from those things, my growth took off. I did not feel stuck in a rut or in that never ending cycle of bad things happening that I felt like I could never truly break. When I let go I was actually able to see what those situations were able to teach me. Most importantly, when I learned to let go of hurts I felt a weight lifted off of me.
Now, I only get that “exhausted” feeling when I have been focusing on myself and the areas of my life and/or relationships I can improve in. However, it is a different type of exhausted, it’s rewarding, not draining or discouraging. I really hope we can all learn to remember those hurts “All Too Well” without getting stuck living in said hurts.
When we fixate on those hurts and choose to live in them, it allows those hurts to dictate our lives. By dictating our lives, it determines how we grow or if we will stay in that rut of hurt. It’s okay and important to feel the hurts and lean into those hurts so we can one day reflect on them. After all, there is no growth without pain, but there is also no growth when we let ourselves live in the constant playback of said pain. Don’t allow your life to become a constant playback of hurt, running in the same place worn down and exhausted.
Taia Jo 