Perfectionism

Perfectionist.  Some see this as a great quality while I see this as a huge weakness.  It can be great in the sense you work hard to get things done right, you try to follow rules etc.  However when it comes to your personal well being it really takes a toll.  It leaves you constantly trying to reach unattainable expectations while beating yourself up when you can’t reach that perfection.  It results in you being a control freak and spiraling out of control when things occur that you can’t control.  It means working hard and helping other people with tasks, while simultaneously making yourself overwhelmed and anxious with all the work you have to do and give 100%.

Let me tell you it is hard.  Especially when that perfection comes into your personal life, jobs, relationships etc.  You work so hard to get a job you want and someone else gets it.  So you start to feel like you are second best.  You start talking to someone just for them to choose someone else, second best.  You overextend yourself in a friendship just to see them value another friendship more, second best.  It’s this constant battle of trying to become first choice for something, even if you get chosen for that job etc you focus on the failures, the “second best” scenarios because your perfectionism causes you to fixate on the bad instead of the good.  It is a constant head battle of am I good enough, why am I not good enough and when will my hard work and determination pay off.  Perfectionism also results in being optimistic for EVERYONE but yourself because it’s okay for others to fail, be heart broken or not get the job they wanted but not you.  You have this constant internal narrative of needing to achieve this unachievable thing.

This has been weighing heavy on me lately or maybe my whole life.  The minute something goes wrong and I didn’t achieve that “perfect” image I instantly start telling myself I’m second best, a failure or just simply not good enough.  Let me tell you it is EXHAUSTING and I honestly don’t know how to change it.  I’ve tried to not worry about perfectionism or the need to be a control freak but nothing seems to “fix” it.  Dating is a nightmare for someone like me because I can’t control if someone has feelings for me or not, or the moment they will decide to jump ship or the moment they decide it’s worth staying.  It’s a constant internal roller coaster and quite frankly it’s just not worth it.  It causes me to blame EVERYTHING on me because my lack of being perfect surely is the reason it didn’t work out every single time.  Like I will always be someone’s second choice, I’m good enough until something better comes along.

How do you overcome one of your biggest “toxic traits”?  Honestly I don’t know, what I do know though is that being aware of these things is the first step to working through it and finding a way for that trait to once again be healthy.  Hoping that one day you will look back and realize why you weren’t “good enough” for those jobs, friendships or relationships because of what God has in store.  Maybe these things are God saying “you are too good” not that I’m “not good enough” or “second best”.  Finding this balance is so hard, but it starts with being aware of it and trying to fix your mentality to focus on the things you have achieved and can excel at.  Realizing perfection isn’t attainable but working hard and trying to do your best at everything you do IS attainable and is much better than perfection.