Today Denny and I went on a very brisk lunch break walk. The snow was falling and it honestly was the last thing I wanted to do, but we haven’t been on one in a while and I felt guilty not doing it. So we walked while the snow was falling and the cold was hitting my face. About 3 minutes into our walk I felt a sense of relief, because for the first time in weeks I felt something besides sadness and numbness. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling but in a twisted way it made me feel happy to at least be feeling something. I think that’s something people get wrong with depression. Self harm isn’t always about wanting to die or feeling like you deserve to be in pain, sometimes it’s simply just so you know you’re capable of feeling more than numbness and sadness. Now I don’t need anyone running over here to check on me because I am very fortunate to have never felt the need to do that, I’m just saying…I get it.
All my life I’ve been told that I’m the strong one, the one everyone goes to for their problems, the always optimistic one. I won’t lie, I love those things about myself but those great qualities have also been the source of my toxic traits. That idea that I am those things to other people has somehow wired me to think that I can’t have bad days or feel sad or have moments where I feel hopeless. Like it’s okay for everyone else to feel that way, but if I feel that way I’m weak and I’m not really who I say I am. If I try to communicate those things to friends those same “traits” about me get thrown back in my face and I’m left learning to deal with things alone, to suffer in silence so to speak. I know people don’t say those things to be harmful and I know it comes from a good place but it has helped shape the negative way with how I deal with things.
I’ve cried more in the last 3 weeks than probably all of 2020 combined. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t sleep well, my anxiety dreams are out the roof and I can only take like 3 bites of everything I try to eat. The more I try to control ANYTHING in my life the more it feels like life spirals out of control. Which results in more anxiety and more depression because you feel like you don’t have a grip on anything, and you can’t possibly explain to anyone what’s going on.
The hardest part is when you finally get the courage to be vulnerable and ask for help just for someone to downplay what you are feeling or to be “too busy” to be there for you. So it further proves this terrible mindset that the only person you need and can depend on…is yourself. So you keep suffering in silence year after year pretending your mental health isn’t an issue, and shouldn’t be an issue because after all you are the strong optimistic one who everyone goes to for advice and their problems.
They say good things fall apart so better things can fall together and that God has to let things get messy to prepare you into the next chapter of who he has called you to be. I sure hope those things are true because I think my eyes are going to just be giant scabs from all the tears I’ve shed if things don’t lighten up soon. I know he hasn’t forgotten about me but, it sure feels like he has more important things going on.
I’ve done a lot of learning and a lot of growing in the last two years and just when I think maybe I’m going to get a break it seems something else happens and I’m back in this hard, dark, learning process. When I’m struggling I always joke with my friends and say “In the words of John Mayer, bad things never have good timing”. That way I can move on and not talk about whatever it is I’m dealing with. However, those lyrics are honestly so true, like one bad thing can’t happen on its own it’s a trickle effect that continues to go until you finally find the energy and the strength to change it. Maybe change it isn’t the right phrase, maybe it should be more of the energy to approach those bad things differently.
I’m slowly learning that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to let others see that you are human and struggle just like everyone else. It’s okay that things that normally wouldn’t bother you currently do or hurt more than you expected because you’ve already been hurting in silence. Let people in and don’t face things alone especially when it comes to your mental health. If someone is coming to you about something going on, be more receptive to those warning signs and their behaviors towards you. They may be screaming for help but have no idea how to ask for it.
Taia Jo 