It’s the last day of January and I’ve been doing some major reflecting on things that have happened in the last month or so. After what I can only describe as a very hard December was nearing its end, I really felt like God was telling me that as I entered into 2024 I needed to let go. It was time to stop reliving things in my head because there was no way to change the situation or outcome. Then Christmas Eve morning I forced myself to still go to church despite my papaw passing very early that morning. The two weeks prior I had really felt like God was telling me I needed to go to a Sunday morning service on Christmas Eve. My church is in the evenings so I was confused why I felt him leading me towards this, especially when I had no idea where I should even go. I listened to the call God was laying on my heart and despite not wanting to go I am so happy I listened. My friends and I landed on going to Mercy Road in Anderson as they were looking for a service to attend Christmas Eve morning as well. If I would have known the chain of events that would happen following that I can almost guarantee I would have stayed home.
The message that day hit me hard and I really did not want to hear it. Refusing to once again cry in a room full of strangers for the New Years Eve service I felt like I needed to live stream at home, God wasn’t quite done using the Pastor’s sermons to speak to me. The pastor started talking about museums and how they are full of so much history. He explained how museums allow us to look back on so much history and how nice is it to be able to reflect on the past. The problem however is that they keep us focused on the past and hinder the ability to look at the future. He continued on to say the more we live our lives like we are in a museum the more we hinder ourselves from the blessings and plans God has for us. When I heard that, my eyes welled up with tears, tears of anger. I felt angry because I knew in that moment the exact situations God was asking me to let go of and why he had been laying that theme on my heart. I asked God how I could possibly let go and risk losing those things forever? Which when I think about it is quite silly considering holding on to things, situations or people do not give me any control of the outcome whatsoever. That’s where I’ve always struggled though, I like trying to control everything. I find comfort in that delusion that I can control everything and how things turn out, but that is not Godly in any way. I’ve always struggled with the phrase let go and let God, because that means I have no say or comfort in attempting to control a situation. With that being said, the sermon continued to talk about various things that fit the theme of letting go and how God is just waiting for us to stop living our lives like we are in a museum and let go to allow his blessing to rain upon us.
During this discovery and very difficult task God was asking of me, I felt God laying something else on my heart, courage. I have never viewed myself as courageous. I’m clearly a little bit of a control freak, I think logically about all the bad things that could go wrong before doing something new or speaking my feelings, which I do not like to share…ever. I am such a scaredy cat I don’t even like being very high off the ground unless I know I’m safely anchored to something, I get nauseous standing on a ladder. So here I am thinking about how letting go is hard enough to process and now God is throwing courage into the mix? Hard pass. However, I realized letting go of these situations was a learning moment because letting go is a step of courage. I have a really bad habit of not finishing one devotional before starting another (I’m bouncing through 4 right now as we speak) but lately I’ve been really sticking to two. One about Esther which I felt compelled to do at the beginning of last year and another study about courageous women in the bible I started in the summer but wasn’t feeling it and just happened to start back up early this month. Esther is the epitome of courage and I’ve been reading through it knowing I would not have handled those situations as courageously as she did. That was a whole different realization I came to but I’m not getting into that. So fast forward to this whole month and I kept reflecting on why God was so persistent in laying the ideas of courage and letting go on my heart. Reflecting, I knew I had scratched the surface because I truly feel I was able to let go of the situations I was hanging on to so tightly. I also know there was a reason God laid studying Ester on my heart a whole year ago and why I did not feel ready to start it until January of this year.
I am writing all of this to say that despite not fully knowing the “why” of what God is doing, I am excited to see where continuing to grow in these areas will take me. That doesn’t come without a little fear because I know there is no growth without pain, and usually letting go comes with a lot of pain. So instead of doing an end of year recap for 2023 I opted to wait and do a reflection of January and walk outside my own museum and focus on the future year ahead. Along with what God has been waiting to teach me and show me that he couldn’t when I was too scared to let go of my tight grip on certain things in my life.
I truly don’t know what 2024 will bring but I do know that God is orchestrating it. I’ve always struggled with letting go and being courageous but if God is being this loud about growing in these areas, I know something big is in store. I know it’s time to stop living in the fear of the “what if I let go” and lose things things/people forever but instead focus on knowing God will bring greater blessings to me in being faithful. I think the book of Esther would have played out much differently had Esther had the same mindset and fears that I do. So for the remainder of 2024 I chose to step out of my comfort zone, let go of the things I cannot control and courageously face the year ahead.
Taia Jo 